If Only Their Daddys Had Shot Blanks…….

Posted: April 25, 2012 in Humour
Tags: , , , ,

Bono’s daughter has just made her big screen debut, Will Smith’s daughter has released her first album and Chris Eubank’s son has embarked on his own boxing career. It seems famous off-spring are all the rage at present. But any potential goodwill towards these young tyros should be tempered as we recall the warnings from history provided by other children of celebrities. With any luck these three will steer clear of the pitfalls of fame, lest they become horrid, despicable human beings. Or worse still, like this lot…..

The Geldoff Daughters

Take a teaspoon of pompous, droning, faux activist husband, add a dollop of vacuous, wannabe rock chick wife, throw in a lot of drugs and what do you get? Why it’s the Geldoff daughters! This hideous, wonky-chinned pair of natural contraception first registered on the Annoyance Scale mere moments after entering the world, by dint of having ridiculously stupid names. Peaches, Pears, Pineapple – whatever the hell they’re called – have ‘achieved’ a level of fame in direct inverse proportion to their talents. Whether it’s uglying up the front cover of yet another magazine vying for the title of World’s Least Important Publication or clogging up the airwaves with tales of their latest odious publicity stunt, the twosome’s sole contribution to mankind has been to give us yet another reason to hate their father, as if any were needed.

Jamie Redknapp

Redknapp the pundit is an uncanny replica of Redknapp the player; all style over substance and all the penetration of an impotent fieldmouse. So unremarkable was he as a player, the lasting image of his ten years at Liverpool is of a cream suit. ’Arry’s boy has taken banality to such levels that viewers can only long for a similar run of absences like that which defined his playing days. Throw in offensively tight trousers, a maddening inability to understand the meaning of the word ’literally’ and a wife to make any man jealous and Redknapp would almost make you nostalgic for the days of Andy Gray. Almost.

Liza Minnelli

If we had known at the time that sweet little Dorothy would grow up to spawn this horrid ghoul we would have unashamedly been cheering for the Wicked Witch. Judy Garland’s pride and joy has long since become everyone else’s pain in the arse. The transvestite-sounding (and looking, come to think of it) Minnelli has rarely been out of the news for almost half a century now, usually to bore us with tales of her latest marital woes. Any good will Minnelli may have garnered from what was once a discernable acting and singing talent was wiped out by making David Gest famous and in the process making herself the source of even more annoyance, a bit like Hitler farting in a lift.

George W. Bush

9/11 changed the world forever. So goes the popular refrain – but it’s bollox. What changed the world was George W. Bush’s reaction to 9/11. Kicking off with the obliteration of Afghanistan, a third world country that even on a good day looks like it’s just being bombed, Bush then turned his attention to Iraq because of the whole Sadaam – Al Quida link – oh wait, no. Eh, because they had weapons of mass- no, that’s not it either. Well, the reason’s not important. Over a million deaths and the torture of thousands more later and Bush’s legacy has been to paint a giant bullseye on the face of Western society by giving Muslims everywhere more than enough reasons to take up arms against the West. Probably the greatest threat to world peace since the Cold War, Bush’s tenure can be best put into context thus: it had us pining for his father’s presidency.

Kelly Osbourne

This triple chined cautionary tale for bad family planning policies has undergone more image changes than a schizophrenic Scarlet Pimpernell, all tediously played out in public. Reality TV star, singer, dancer, author, Osbourne is the girl for whom the phrase Jack of all Trades, Master of None was coined. Granted, anyone containing Sharon Osbourne genes was never likely to become anything other than eminently slappable, but Kelly has really ratcheted up the ill-will with her tiresome antics. Her charge sheet is too long to go into but suffice to say anyone who can claim to be an alcoholic by the age of 13 is a prat of the highest order.

Paris Hilton

What do you call the useless fleshy bit around the vagina? Paris Hilton! The heiress’ greatest achievement has been to turn that previously tasteless and misogynistic joke into a valid description. Were she to die tomorrow (and if we all pray hard enough….), this poster girl for vacuity would leave the sole gift of a grainy, homemade sex tape that shows Paris in her best light – the dark. Even on the rare occasions when she appears to get her comeuppance, such as in 2007 when she was jailed for driving offences, the professional Nothing seems to come out on top, on that occasion being released almost as soon as she was incarcerated, enjoying preferential treatment during her brief stay. With John Law proving ineffective the best we can hope for is the law of averages to come into play and Hilton contracts a deadly STD.

Other dishonourable mentions should go to Prince Charles (for having an unhealthy obsession with horses, playing sport on one and marrying another) and Michael Douglas (for the Wall Street sequel) but neither has come close to plumbing the depths of the aforementioned half dozen and with any luck, neither will fame’s latest recruits.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s