Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category

pidgeon

Dick Dastardley was right, pigeons really are the scourge of mankind. Had Dick lived to the present day (and not died of syphilis in 1978 after an ill-advised tryst with Wacky Races harlot, Penelope Pittstop) he would have found a more sympathetic public ear for his pigeon-loathing views. Unfortunately for Dick, his gargoyle looks and sinister laugh never made him the most sympathetic of characters and most viewers took the side of his arch-nemesis, the Yankee Doodle Pigeon. But not me.

I’ve hated pigeons for as long as I’ve had the ability to hate. Perhaps this is down to some long-suppressed traumatic childhood incident involving one of the little gits and an ice cream or something, but whatever the source of my hatred, there isn’t a day that goes by where it doesn’t feel justified. (more…)

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Despite a £100,000 fine and the promise of more punitive punishment to come, one can’t help but feel Alan Pardew is an extremely lucky man. For at what other institution would the evermore ornery antics of a senior employee be tolerated than at the never-ending punch line that is Newcastle United Football Club?

In fact, so in keeping with the club’s tradition of unedifying buffoonery was Saturday’s head-butt by Pardew on Hull City’s David Meyler, that it’s easy to imagine owner Mike Ashley drunkenly high-fiving the Toon boss when next the pair meet up over a game of BlackJack in the after-hours East End casino where their professional (as it were) relationship was born. (more…)

On this week’s episode…..

Rio falls foul of Fergie after he shows his support for his brother Anton who was abused by JT, who has apologised, only not to Anton himself, and is still friends with Ashley who Rio dislikes for taking JT’s side over Antons, who’s friend Park refuses to shake hands with JT in support of Anton and his mate Rio with whom he used to play with in Manchester for Fergie, who has fallen out with Kenny, who took Luis’ side in his row with Patrice, who’s side Fergie took, as did Rio who refused to shake Luis’ hand who was then banned, like JT, who’s hand Wayne refused to shake cos JT did the dirt with Wayne’s wife so now Wayne wont play with JT for England but now JT has decided he doesn’t want to play for them anyway so now Wayne can play for England again, only he cant and neither can Rio cos Roy wont pick them, unlike Ashley who he still picks even though he called Roy’s mates a bunch of twats cos they accused him of lying when he supported JT.

Also Titus Bramble roasts a schoolgirl.

They dont all have to be this bad, you know……

Watching a Frasier re-run the other night I got to thinking: why do so few comedy spin-off’s work? From Daria to Joey, from The Green Green Grass to, eh, Joanie Loves Chachi, telly history is littered with abominable spin-off failures. Perhaps the reason Frasier worked was because his character in Cheers was merely one of a large ensemble and had never been forensically explored so there was therefore still a lot of untapped comedy to be mined from the neurotic shirk. But whatever the formula behind this unique successful spin-off, thanks to the aforementioned offenders the words ‘comedy’ and ‘spin-off’ bring an almost universal groan, but it should never have come to this. Had producers being canny enough and focused on the right characters we could have been treated to some TV gold. In no particular order, here are five missed comedy spin-off opportunities:

https://thesurlytimes.wordpress.com/wp-includes/js/tinymce/plugins/wordpress/img/trans.gif (more…)

At Least Donkeys Dont have to Pay For a TV Licence!

After decades of initiatives, truckloads of cash, blood curdling telly adverts and, worst of all, the reinvention of Gay Byrne, finally a solution to the carnage on Ireland’s roads has been found – more carnage! Because nothing slows the Irish driver down quicker than the chance to gawp at an accident.

Driving on Dublin’s N11 recently I found myself being reduced to crawling speed as up ahead, there was clearly some sort of accident. What was the cause of this delay?  Debris? Emergency services? Bodies strewn across the dual carriageway? No, just morbid curiosity.

Despite said incident involving a collision so slight as to have had all the impact of a field mouse attempting intercourse with an elephant, every fellow road user deemed it fascinating enough to drop down to first gear as they fed their gore-starved eyes with the sight of a barely visible scratch on a Ford Focus’ bumper. How ironic, I thought; the one fool proof method of getting drivers to slow down is the thrill of watching the aftermath of the one thing they don’t want to do themselves.   (more…)

Bono’s daughter has just made her big screen debut, Will Smith’s daughter has released her first album and Chris Eubank’s son has embarked on his own boxing career. It seems famous off-spring are all the rage at present. But any potential goodwill towards these young tyros should be tempered as we recall the warnings from history provided by other children of celebrities. With any luck these three will steer clear of the pitfalls of fame, lest they become horrid, despicable human beings. Or worse still, like this lot….. (more…)

Child welfare agencies have slammed a leaked government proposal to provide cosmetic implants for new born babies, describing it as a ‘disgrace’ and a ‘violation of human rights’. Under the proposal parents will be able to have any newborn babies fitted with lifelong-lasting tinted contact lenses. The Government plan to introduce the initiative from next January in a bid to counter the growing concerns over so-called ‘fake tan’ products – the idea being that the tinted lenses will eradicate the desire among young people to use harmful tanning products as the lenses would make everyone appear to have a ‘tanned’ complexion.

Dr Jurgen Schwanzlieber, who came up with the initiative says the procedure would ‘significantly reduce’ the number of cases of teenage girls and rugby players being treated for dermatological illnesses, caused by the toxins of ‘fake tan’ coming into contact with the skin. In some cases, these toxins have been found to have contained cancerous properties. “We realise the idea of performing cosmetic surgery on a newborn child will be seen as controversial at first, but, communicated properly, we believe the proposal will be welcomed by parents as they realise that the long-term benefits to their child’s health will be worth it”, Dr Schwanzlieber said. (more…)

Not ones to lecture but....

Not ones to lecture but….

The activists Bob Geldoff and Bono have announced their intentions to donate their respective fortunes to various charities. In a joint statement, Live Aid co-founder Geldoff and the U2 singer, Bono (real name Paul Hewson), said they felt the time was right to ‘set an example’.
The news has been warmly welcomed by charity figureheads such as Concern CEO, Tom Arnold, who described the gesture as ‘extraordinarily generous’ and hailed the pair for what he called their ‘immeasurable’ contribution to charity. U2 frontman Bono is believed to be worth in excess of one billion dollars, a sum accumulated through the groups massive commercial success over the past thirty years as well as through shrewd business investments (it was reported recently that the Irish rock star made a $300 million profit after selling his 5% stake in social media behemoth Facebook). (more…)

Apparently the world is going to end on 21 December of this year. For many this will come as something of a blow and I admit it is easy to put a negative spin on our impending apocalypse with such downsides as not getting to see kids grow up and missing out on the final two seasons of Mad Men. For others though, Armageddon will be welcomed with open arms. Aside from the endless list of daily irritants we will no longer be forced to endure, doomsday will also provide the opportunity for us to finally do the things we’ve always wanted to do and go out with a bang. We should seize the moment and live the final few days of our lives to the full. With that in mind, I’m planning the following itinerary for my final week on Earth.

Friday, 14 December: Take up Heroin

Few drugs have ever really captured my imagination with the one major exception of smack. If I’m going to be dead within a week anyway, I may as well take up a drug and the best drug is surely heroin. I arrive at this conclusion because clearly no other drug commands as much commitment from its fans. Ecstasy users are willing to sacrifice their dignity for a few hours at a time as they dance badly, gurning and goggle-eyed, to songs with no words but heroin users sacrifice their dignity – and pretty much everything else – 24/7 so it must be good. (more…)

If you’re sitting down reading this, stand up! For the love of God STAND UP! For you see, according to a recent study sitting has been revealed as yet another cause of cancer. So we can now add sitting down to bras, mouthwash, deodorant and the 1,000,001 other things on the list of life-shorteners, that in our ignorance we had previously thought of as harmless. Take note of this list people, because if you’re not careful you might not even live to be 100!

Such an unpalatable and horrific fate as not reaching our respective centenaries is, I assume, the motivation driving the cabal of scientists, whack-job lobby groups, politicians and bored housewives (there was a time when that term evoked a more positive feeling) as they reveal stat upon stat, devise new law upon new law, all of which serve the purpose of making themselves feel important whilst making the rest of us hypochondriac, depressed or both. (more…)